I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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