I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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