grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
