please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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