i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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