My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is my gift to your gina
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
