look no pants
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
