I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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