they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
