I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
