The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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