I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
