Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
