I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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