Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dicks are not precious.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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