So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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