My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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