Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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