how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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