its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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