wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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