My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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