I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
