Michael Bay diarrhea
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
