fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
