Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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