Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize