I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
