Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
