I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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