when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
