Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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