i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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