found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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