Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
