I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
