Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
