i don't like sucking hair
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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