So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
