I think i peed on brittanys purse
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Operation Purity has been aborted
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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