Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
