the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
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My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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