Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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