Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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