I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
