soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
