I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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