I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My feet surprised me
Randomize
