my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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