why didn't you poke me back
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
