remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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