i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
