This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just cut my nipple shaving
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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