I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
