I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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