if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
