I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
