Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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