I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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