You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
