Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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