you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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