the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
