Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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