That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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