Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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