Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
